Once imprisoned in a broken body (pt.1)
My daughter and me in 2002
[UPDATE: Consider Reading From Crippled to Crossfit. It is a post that I wrote as a response to a man whose wife has MS. His message includes, "I would love to be able to dance with my [my wife] again. My question is, "where do we begin?' ...Please help me help my wife.]
Most of the people that will read this blog already know my story, so bear with me. I decided to start this blog because I have had several people ask me to write a book. As a mom of 6 children, sitting down to write something so time-consuming is out of the question right now, so a blog seemed more attainable. When I decided to go for it, I dreamnt up the logo above and frantically started drawing what was in my head. Four hours later, with a few hours of cleaning it up with the help of a gal named Anna, I finally was content with it. It pretty much sums up my story.
I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in 1999. My husband and I had just reconciled our marriage after an 18 month separation only a few months prior to this shocking news. I was devastated. (We already had two children, our oldest sons; one is now in college and the other is fixing to go.) My husband had driven me to the ER because of some serious issues, like numbness, loss of balance, falling over if I leaned my head back, spinning if he accelerated the car and diplopia (double vision). My first thought was brain tumor. There had been years of dealing with medical issues that made me feel like a hypochondriac even though deep down I just knew something wasn't right. After several tests, a medical history evaluation and an MRI, I was diagnosed with MS. My brain was apparently already covered in lesions.
On the entire drive home, I cried. The first person that popped into my head was this professor at the university Jon and I graduated from whose wife had MS. She was confined to a wheelchair and he had to feed her. I kept saying I was sorry to Jon and he said, "Lisa, no matter what happens, I love you. You are my wife." And over the years, with several crippling relapsing/remitting MS exacerbations later, Jon proved these words in his actions over and over.
(to be continued)
Most of the people that will read this blog already know my story, so bear with me. I decided to start this blog because I have had several people ask me to write a book. As a mom of 6 children, sitting down to write something so time-consuming is out of the question right now, so a blog seemed more attainable. When I decided to go for it, I dreamnt up the logo above and frantically started drawing what was in my head. Four hours later, with a few hours of cleaning it up with the help of a gal named Anna, I finally was content with it. It pretty much sums up my story.
I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in 1999. My husband and I had just reconciled our marriage after an 18 month separation only a few months prior to this shocking news. I was devastated. (We already had two children, our oldest sons; one is now in college and the other is fixing to go.) My husband had driven me to the ER because of some serious issues, like numbness, loss of balance, falling over if I leaned my head back, spinning if he accelerated the car and diplopia (double vision). My first thought was brain tumor. There had been years of dealing with medical issues that made me feel like a hypochondriac even though deep down I just knew something wasn't right. After several tests, a medical history evaluation and an MRI, I was diagnosed with MS. My brain was apparently already covered in lesions.
On the entire drive home, I cried. The first person that popped into my head was this professor at the university Jon and I graduated from whose wife had MS. She was confined to a wheelchair and he had to feed her. I kept saying I was sorry to Jon and he said, "Lisa, no matter what happens, I love you. You are my wife." And over the years, with several crippling relapsing/remitting MS exacerbations later, Jon proved these words in his actions over and over.
(to be continued)
Once imprisoned... (pt.2)
HOA Crossfit competition 2013
I've been married to my husband since May, 1992. We met in college. After all we've been through together, I consider myself very blessed to be married to a man that took our marriage vows so seriously. Especially the part that says, "...in sickness and in health..." That day the doc told me I had MS was a day I thought all things as I knew it would be over. I felt hopeless, helpless, lost. What did this mean? Would I eventually end up in a wheelchair? Would I be able to mother my children and be a good wife? I've made it through some pretty tough times, but this... how could I ever make it through this? I can look back now and see the hand of God in all of it... but back then, no.
I was pissed.
Jon and I had barely just reconciled our marriage. Why God????? I already thought I'd hit rock bottom with my marriage and things already seemed so volatile. How would our marriage make it through this? But then, even though we couldn't see the bigger picture as we were in the midst of seemingly impossible circumstances once again, God was at work in a way I didn't at all expect.
Our marriage separation is a whole other story that I might share with you later. For now, I will tell you that there was a point that I wrote an article for Today's Christian Doctor magazine that was called, "My Husband, My Hero: How God Resurrected a Dead and Buried Marriage." I was also a public speaker for Stonecroft Women's Ministry in which I spoke on several occassions primarily about this testimony. My husband truly is my hero. My "hero of faith." He never gave up on our marriage. I did. And when I walked back into Jon's life after that 18 month tumultuous separation, I did it for the kids and not because I loved Jon. At that point, I felt nothing for Jon. But, like I said, he never gave up. I honestly don't know how he did it. Of course, he will genuinely give God full credit.
Soon after finding out I had MS, Jon handed me a tape to listen to. I set it aside for a couple of months. It was about the holiness of God and focused on Isaiah chapter 6 in the Old Testament. Quite frankly it sounded boring. How relevant can the Old Testament be to me anyway? I picked it up one day as I was about to clean out my filthy garage. Jon was busy with his internal medicine residency and my boys were at their grandparents house so I popped in the tape and started cleaning.
It is incredibly challenging to describe to you what happened to me as I listened and cleaned... but at one point I was so taken off-guard by what I was hearing that I dropped to my knees in that garage and I begged God to forgive me. On that frigid day in our filthy garage, I became a Christian. When my husband walked in the doors of our home that night, I'm quite sure he did not expect me to come up to him in tears and ask his forgiveness for being so cold to him, for giving up on our marriage. He said, "How could I not forgive you as Christ has forgiven me." And he went on to ask me, once again, to forgive him. Yes, he'd asked time and time again before that moment. But, like I said, my heart was stone cold. I had built a very thick wall. I just didn't want to be hurt anymore. We had both changed through this. We were both broken and the only hope we had was changing our perspective on our marriage from what the world expects to God's perspective on marriage.
We both needed the mind of Christ.
It may seem odd for me to mention all of this before writing about the physical transformation from a body broken by MS to what God has accomplished in my life through Crossfit and Paleo, but without this little glimpse into my spiritual transformation, you might not comprehend the bigger picture. There are so many things I'm leaving out, but as I prayerfully type, please know that you are more than welcome to contact me with any questions you might have.
Did the fairytale begin? No. This was really just the tip of the iceberg. We were about to be struck down over and over. And there was one time in particular that I was seriously angry with God. (click here)
Just to give you an idea of the timeline on all of this:
Married: May 1992
child 1- son born: fall 1993
child 2- son born: fall 1995
Marriage separation: early May 1998
Marriage reconciliation: late September 1999
Diagnosed with MS: late October 1999
Became a Christian and was baptized by my husband: early 2000
child 3- daughter born: fall 2000
child 4- daughter born: fall 2002
children 5 & 6- twin sons birthdays: fall 2001
[Adopted our twin sons: January 2005 (they were 3 years old)]
I was pissed.
Jon and I had barely just reconciled our marriage. Why God????? I already thought I'd hit rock bottom with my marriage and things already seemed so volatile. How would our marriage make it through this? But then, even though we couldn't see the bigger picture as we were in the midst of seemingly impossible circumstances once again, God was at work in a way I didn't at all expect.
Our marriage separation is a whole other story that I might share with you later. For now, I will tell you that there was a point that I wrote an article for Today's Christian Doctor magazine that was called, "My Husband, My Hero: How God Resurrected a Dead and Buried Marriage." I was also a public speaker for Stonecroft Women's Ministry in which I spoke on several occassions primarily about this testimony. My husband truly is my hero. My "hero of faith." He never gave up on our marriage. I did. And when I walked back into Jon's life after that 18 month tumultuous separation, I did it for the kids and not because I loved Jon. At that point, I felt nothing for Jon. But, like I said, he never gave up. I honestly don't know how he did it. Of course, he will genuinely give God full credit.
Soon after finding out I had MS, Jon handed me a tape to listen to. I set it aside for a couple of months. It was about the holiness of God and focused on Isaiah chapter 6 in the Old Testament. Quite frankly it sounded boring. How relevant can the Old Testament be to me anyway? I picked it up one day as I was about to clean out my filthy garage. Jon was busy with his internal medicine residency and my boys were at their grandparents house so I popped in the tape and started cleaning.
It is incredibly challenging to describe to you what happened to me as I listened and cleaned... but at one point I was so taken off-guard by what I was hearing that I dropped to my knees in that garage and I begged God to forgive me. On that frigid day in our filthy garage, I became a Christian. When my husband walked in the doors of our home that night, I'm quite sure he did not expect me to come up to him in tears and ask his forgiveness for being so cold to him, for giving up on our marriage. He said, "How could I not forgive you as Christ has forgiven me." And he went on to ask me, once again, to forgive him. Yes, he'd asked time and time again before that moment. But, like I said, my heart was stone cold. I had built a very thick wall. I just didn't want to be hurt anymore. We had both changed through this. We were both broken and the only hope we had was changing our perspective on our marriage from what the world expects to God's perspective on marriage.
We both needed the mind of Christ.
It may seem odd for me to mention all of this before writing about the physical transformation from a body broken by MS to what God has accomplished in my life through Crossfit and Paleo, but without this little glimpse into my spiritual transformation, you might not comprehend the bigger picture. There are so many things I'm leaving out, but as I prayerfully type, please know that you are more than welcome to contact me with any questions you might have.
Did the fairytale begin? No. This was really just the tip of the iceberg. We were about to be struck down over and over. And there was one time in particular that I was seriously angry with God. (click here)
Just to give you an idea of the timeline on all of this:
Married: May 1992
child 1- son born: fall 1993
child 2- son born: fall 1995
Marriage separation: early May 1998
Marriage reconciliation: late September 1999
Diagnosed with MS: late October 1999
Became a Christian and was baptized by my husband: early 2000
child 3- daughter born: fall 2000
child 4- daughter born: fall 2002
children 5 & 6- twin sons birthdays: fall 2001
[Adopted our twin sons: January 2005 (they were 3 years old)]
My 6 children, summer 2013
Once imprisoned... (pt.3)
One-armed handstand with my 2 girls & their friend
It is challenging being transparent. It opens up all sorts of opportunities for criticism and judgment and unsolicited advice. But if this story can encourage even just one person who feels hopeless, it makes it all worth it. I know what hopelessness feels like. And I also know the other side. Reminds me of a story I use to include in my speaking engagements for Stonecroft:
There was a gal walking along the street and suddenly she fell into a deep hole. She cried out, "Someone, please help me out of this hole. I can't find my way out! Please help!"
A lady claiming to be her friend at one point, dressed in fine business clothing and in a hurry to a meeting rushed by and said, "So sorry! I'm late for a meeting but I'll call someone to help you. Love ya," as she then hurried on her way.
So, the gal in the hole cried out again, as she seemed to be sinking deeper, "Someone! Anyone! Help me out of this hole," as a person proclaiming faith hastily walked by and said "Just name it and claim it! Believe and receive! And you will walk right out of that hole! Have faith! Gotta go to a prayer meeting! We'll be prayin' for ya!" As she was, once again, left behind.
There she was. Still stuck in that sinking hole. Hopeless. Alone. Afraid. Desperate. Her voice faltered as she dissolved into tears, "Please... please help me out of this hole... someone please," as it seemed a crowd passed by too busy to care. But there was one woman who stood at the top of that hole that suddenly jumped in with her. "Why? Why did you do that! Now we are both stuck in this sinking hole!!!" said the gal that unexpectedly fell into the hole.
"It's okay," responded the woman. "I know the way out."
When I was first diagnosed with the MS, I had well-intentioned people (I choose to believe they meant well) responding in ways that I did not expect. Over the years, including when I was first diagnosed and even as early as a week ago, I got phone calls and letters and face-to-face confrontations from family and friends and friends of friends, and friends of family, and church family ( I could go on, but I think you get the picture) telling me I lack faith and wondering aloud what sin I committed to be where I was. I had people re-diagnosing me. "You must be drinking that diet soda. You know that stuff causes MS symptoms!" (I don't drink soda) and things like, "People don't get well from MS. You have Lyme disease!" (people do get well from MS. Hello. I'm one of them. And I'm not alone. See Dr. Terry Wahl's website Defeating Progressive MS without Drugs and watch her video called Minding Your Mitochondria)
I've heard it all and it used to hurt. Now, I see it as ...an opportunity.
I can't tell you if what has worked for me will work for anyone else. I'm not God. What I do know is that God alone will get the glory for what has been accomplished in my life. He directed my footing to Crossfit where I found out about the Paleo eating habits. I had prayed and begged for years that Jesus would heal my body. I had often been accused of lacking faith. But, I believe God has a purpose for all of this, whether God would have chosen to heal my body on this side of heaven or the other side. I trust Him.
I CAN tell you that I know the way out of hopelessness. Simply put, A life without Christ is a hopeless end, but A life with Christ is endless hope.
I have more to tell you if you'll bear with me. I'd like to elaborate on that "not-a-fairytale" life... and all those challenging opportunities my husband had that proved his words were not mere words.
(to be cont'd)
There was a gal walking along the street and suddenly she fell into a deep hole. She cried out, "Someone, please help me out of this hole. I can't find my way out! Please help!"
A lady claiming to be her friend at one point, dressed in fine business clothing and in a hurry to a meeting rushed by and said, "So sorry! I'm late for a meeting but I'll call someone to help you. Love ya," as she then hurried on her way.
So, the gal in the hole cried out again, as she seemed to be sinking deeper, "Someone! Anyone! Help me out of this hole," as a person proclaiming faith hastily walked by and said "Just name it and claim it! Believe and receive! And you will walk right out of that hole! Have faith! Gotta go to a prayer meeting! We'll be prayin' for ya!" As she was, once again, left behind.
There she was. Still stuck in that sinking hole. Hopeless. Alone. Afraid. Desperate. Her voice faltered as she dissolved into tears, "Please... please help me out of this hole... someone please," as it seemed a crowd passed by too busy to care. But there was one woman who stood at the top of that hole that suddenly jumped in with her. "Why? Why did you do that! Now we are both stuck in this sinking hole!!!" said the gal that unexpectedly fell into the hole.
"It's okay," responded the woman. "I know the way out."
When I was first diagnosed with the MS, I had well-intentioned people (I choose to believe they meant well) responding in ways that I did not expect. Over the years, including when I was first diagnosed and even as early as a week ago, I got phone calls and letters and face-to-face confrontations from family and friends and friends of friends, and friends of family, and church family ( I could go on, but I think you get the picture) telling me I lack faith and wondering aloud what sin I committed to be where I was. I had people re-diagnosing me. "You must be drinking that diet soda. You know that stuff causes MS symptoms!" (I don't drink soda) and things like, "People don't get well from MS. You have Lyme disease!" (people do get well from MS. Hello. I'm one of them. And I'm not alone. See Dr. Terry Wahl's website Defeating Progressive MS without Drugs and watch her video called Minding Your Mitochondria)
I've heard it all and it used to hurt. Now, I see it as ...an opportunity.
I can't tell you if what has worked for me will work for anyone else. I'm not God. What I do know is that God alone will get the glory for what has been accomplished in my life. He directed my footing to Crossfit where I found out about the Paleo eating habits. I had prayed and begged for years that Jesus would heal my body. I had often been accused of lacking faith. But, I believe God has a purpose for all of this, whether God would have chosen to heal my body on this side of heaven or the other side. I trust Him.
I CAN tell you that I know the way out of hopelessness. Simply put, A life without Christ is a hopeless end, but A life with Christ is endless hope.
I have more to tell you if you'll bear with me. I'd like to elaborate on that "not-a-fairytale" life... and all those challenging opportunities my husband had that proved his words were not mere words.
(to be cont'd)
Once imprisoned... (pt.4)
Striking that balance on what to write and what to leave out has been tough on this one. But here goes... My life has never really been a fairytale, but whose is, right? Everyone has a story and I guess I feel compelled to share mine. It's God's story really. Time and time again He has been my guide, shield, protector... even when I didn't "feel" or sense His presence in the midst of storms, He's there.
What has served to shape my life the most has been those storms. And some of those storms, I fed due to rebellion or wrong responses to the hand I was dealt and some storms were just the inevitable trials of life. But all of these storms have served a purpose and I choose, God-willing, to learn from them what I can and move on.
Through the years, especially after being diagnosed with MS in 1999, many more blessings and trials came my way. From birthing four children, two before being diagnosed with MS and two after, and then adopting two more, I can say that just because a person is disabled, does not keep them from being active (relative term) and loving their family. I was NOT 100% always physically debilitated. I had relapsing/remitting MS and had not yet experienced the Primary Progressive kind that I was apparently headed for. But my love for my children has never wavered even in the toughest times. I do believe that these experiences have also served to shape my children in a way that nothing else could. I see a deeper sense of compassion for having been through such tough times. When I was down, my husband, children, family and friends stepped up. No, I don't wish they had to go through that. It was humiliating at times to have no choice but to ask for help. And it sucked to learn how prideful I can be. But, I learned the beautiful side of it, too. That there are people that really do long to help... that maybe need to help. It is, from my own experience, a blessing beyond measure to serve others. To be the one being served is quite humbling. Pride-stripping like nothing else in my life.
I had spent years praying for God to heal my body. I shared a bit earlier in this testimony how the faith healers and name-it-and-claim-it friends labeled me as lacking faith, etc... even though I do genuinely choose to believe they meant well. I will say, and I am not trying to be offensive, that I believe that God is not a genie-in-a-bottle for me to demand that He do things for me in my prayers in the way I see fit. He's God. I'm not. He created the world and is all-powerful and perfect in His love and justice. I'm not. So I figure, who am I to demand anything from God and think He's going to snap His fingers and do what I demand? Even if it's in the form of a prayer. I pray fervently and without a doubt know God will answer my prayers. But now, I especially know that He will answer in His perfect way and His perfect time and for His perfect purpose.
I actually learned that the hard way one day, even though I already thought I knew it. It was during what I consider the worst MS exacerbation I ever had that came a few months (late summer 2010) before the one that landed me in a walker for the last time (January 2011) before starting Crossfit (Late April 2011). It was utterly humiliating for me, this nightmare exacerbation. I apparently had active lesions from the MS in my frontal lobe. My brain wouldn't shut down. I didn't sleep for 7 days. I lost most of my memory through that time as I became delirious, hallucinogenic, and then labeled by Psychiatrists to have a condition I didn't have. This was the toughest on my husband and children. I forgot who my children were during that time and my husband had no choice but to take me to the ER. The MRI revealed these active lesions in my frontal lobe that were indicative of MS, so I actually became a kind of case study for the psychiatrist that I no longer have to go to, and stopped going to just before Crossfit came into my life; but I think the psychiatrist found my condition so interesting because it mocked a psychiatric condition due to the location of the lesions.
(That's actually hard to write. All of this is. It's still painful, but it is an important part of this story...)
After that, my anger for God set in and grew. I knew He was sovereign. I knew He could have prevented all of this from happening and I blamed Him for this utter humiliation. I was angry that for all these years that I prayed and had faith that He would answer, even if it wasn't in the way I thought, I NEVER thought He would make me go through something like this. I wanted nothing to do with God. And even though I forsook Him, He never left me. He patiently allowed me to go through this time of anger. Even when I walked in the doors of Crossfit, I was still very angry with God. I had lost all sense of strength, both physically from the wear-and-tear of MS and then spiritually I felt I had nothing. And to this day, I can't even figure out how I walked in those doors, except to say obviously God was directing my footing. How I even stuck with it is God's grace alone. I was afraid people would find out about that nightmare MS exacerbation. I was afraid I would fail. I was afraid I would make a fool of myself like I felt God did during that exacerbation. So, I walked in the doors of Crossfit very guarded. And when it all clicked, it was like getting out of an MS prison.
But, of course, God wasn't done with me even though I felt done with Him. My pastor recently preached on 2 Kings 5:1-14; a March 2013 sermon called "You expect me to do what?" that you will eventually find posted HERE. And as he preached, I realized I was like Naaman in my pride. Even though I had already realized the error of blaming God for humiliating me long before that sermon, I learned the extent of my pride that morning as I intently listened, fighting back tears.
You see, Naaman was a victorious warrior; captain of the army of the king of Aram, but he was also a leper. An unclean, "untouchable." And when given the opportunity to be healed of leprosy, which had no cure, this healing was apparently not in the way Naaman expected and he rejected it initially, because of pride. He did not understand the ways of God... and even though I thought I had a bit of a clue about God in my own life, I realize everyday that the more I learn, the more I realize how little I know... and the more I learn about the sufficiency and power of God's grace, the more I realize my understanding doesn't even touch the depth of it.
What I especially learned in that sermon was that I had a preconceived idea of how God would heal my body, if He saw fit to do so this side of heaven. It was not in my plan to go through that MS exacerbation that I felt stripped me completely bare before the world. But then, it wasn't in my plan to start Crossfit either... Lol.
I do believe now that I HAD to go through that nightmare as a part of this healing process. I HAD to be stripped of that pride, though I will tell you, even that is a constant process.
But [God] gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble"-James 4:6
I also learned:
Most of the people that know me as I am at Crossfit, didn't know me when I went through those often physically debilitating MS relapses since 1999. They just see me as I am now and, by the grace of God, would never guess I went through all of that... that my family went through all of that with me.
[UPDATE: Consider Reading From Crippled to Crossfit. It is a post that I wrote as a response to a man whose wife has MS. His message includes, "I would love to be able to dance with my [my wife] again. My question is, "where do we begin?' ...Please help me help my wife.]
What has served to shape my life the most has been those storms. And some of those storms, I fed due to rebellion or wrong responses to the hand I was dealt and some storms were just the inevitable trials of life. But all of these storms have served a purpose and I choose, God-willing, to learn from them what I can and move on.
Through the years, especially after being diagnosed with MS in 1999, many more blessings and trials came my way. From birthing four children, two before being diagnosed with MS and two after, and then adopting two more, I can say that just because a person is disabled, does not keep them from being active (relative term) and loving their family. I was NOT 100% always physically debilitated. I had relapsing/remitting MS and had not yet experienced the Primary Progressive kind that I was apparently headed for. But my love for my children has never wavered even in the toughest times. I do believe that these experiences have also served to shape my children in a way that nothing else could. I see a deeper sense of compassion for having been through such tough times. When I was down, my husband, children, family and friends stepped up. No, I don't wish they had to go through that. It was humiliating at times to have no choice but to ask for help. And it sucked to learn how prideful I can be. But, I learned the beautiful side of it, too. That there are people that really do long to help... that maybe need to help. It is, from my own experience, a blessing beyond measure to serve others. To be the one being served is quite humbling. Pride-stripping like nothing else in my life.
I had spent years praying for God to heal my body. I shared a bit earlier in this testimony how the faith healers and name-it-and-claim-it friends labeled me as lacking faith, etc... even though I do genuinely choose to believe they meant well. I will say, and I am not trying to be offensive, that I believe that God is not a genie-in-a-bottle for me to demand that He do things for me in my prayers in the way I see fit. He's God. I'm not. He created the world and is all-powerful and perfect in His love and justice. I'm not. So I figure, who am I to demand anything from God and think He's going to snap His fingers and do what I demand? Even if it's in the form of a prayer. I pray fervently and without a doubt know God will answer my prayers. But now, I especially know that He will answer in His perfect way and His perfect time and for His perfect purpose.
I actually learned that the hard way one day, even though I already thought I knew it. It was during what I consider the worst MS exacerbation I ever had that came a few months (late summer 2010) before the one that landed me in a walker for the last time (January 2011) before starting Crossfit (Late April 2011). It was utterly humiliating for me, this nightmare exacerbation. I apparently had active lesions from the MS in my frontal lobe. My brain wouldn't shut down. I didn't sleep for 7 days. I lost most of my memory through that time as I became delirious, hallucinogenic, and then labeled by Psychiatrists to have a condition I didn't have. This was the toughest on my husband and children. I forgot who my children were during that time and my husband had no choice but to take me to the ER. The MRI revealed these active lesions in my frontal lobe that were indicative of MS, so I actually became a kind of case study for the psychiatrist that I no longer have to go to, and stopped going to just before Crossfit came into my life; but I think the psychiatrist found my condition so interesting because it mocked a psychiatric condition due to the location of the lesions.
(That's actually hard to write. All of this is. It's still painful, but it is an important part of this story...)
After that, my anger for God set in and grew. I knew He was sovereign. I knew He could have prevented all of this from happening and I blamed Him for this utter humiliation. I was angry that for all these years that I prayed and had faith that He would answer, even if it wasn't in the way I thought, I NEVER thought He would make me go through something like this. I wanted nothing to do with God. And even though I forsook Him, He never left me. He patiently allowed me to go through this time of anger. Even when I walked in the doors of Crossfit, I was still very angry with God. I had lost all sense of strength, both physically from the wear-and-tear of MS and then spiritually I felt I had nothing. And to this day, I can't even figure out how I walked in those doors, except to say obviously God was directing my footing. How I even stuck with it is God's grace alone. I was afraid people would find out about that nightmare MS exacerbation. I was afraid I would fail. I was afraid I would make a fool of myself like I felt God did during that exacerbation. So, I walked in the doors of Crossfit very guarded. And when it all clicked, it was like getting out of an MS prison.
But, of course, God wasn't done with me even though I felt done with Him. My pastor recently preached on 2 Kings 5:1-14; a March 2013 sermon called "You expect me to do what?" that you will eventually find posted HERE. And as he preached, I realized I was like Naaman in my pride. Even though I had already realized the error of blaming God for humiliating me long before that sermon, I learned the extent of my pride that morning as I intently listened, fighting back tears.
You see, Naaman was a victorious warrior; captain of the army of the king of Aram, but he was also a leper. An unclean, "untouchable." And when given the opportunity to be healed of leprosy, which had no cure, this healing was apparently not in the way Naaman expected and he rejected it initially, because of pride. He did not understand the ways of God... and even though I thought I had a bit of a clue about God in my own life, I realize everyday that the more I learn, the more I realize how little I know... and the more I learn about the sufficiency and power of God's grace, the more I realize my understanding doesn't even touch the depth of it.
What I especially learned in that sermon was that I had a preconceived idea of how God would heal my body, if He saw fit to do so this side of heaven. It was not in my plan to go through that MS exacerbation that I felt stripped me completely bare before the world. But then, it wasn't in my plan to start Crossfit either... Lol.
I do believe now that I HAD to go through that nightmare as a part of this healing process. I HAD to be stripped of that pride, though I will tell you, even that is a constant process.
But [God] gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble"-James 4:6
I also learned:
- Pride causes us to respond or act in anger, especially when our preconceived ideas are crushed. Even if we don't know we have preconceived ideas, our response will reveal them when things are not going the way we thought. It's like saying to God, "I'll do anything, but... to serve you God." or "Here I am, send me God, but..." or "Heal me God, but..."
- sometimes we think we are the only one with problems and trials and challenges (we aren't)... and then there's those that think everyone else has problems but them.
- God positions us in difficult circumstances for our benefit... (no, really!!!) God never wastes our challenges, our trials... He always has a greater purpose in them. We might waste them for a time, but there is always opportunity to minister to others with what we have gone through and there is always opportunity to learn something.
Most of the people that know me as I am at Crossfit, didn't know me when I went through those often physically debilitating MS relapses since 1999. They just see me as I am now and, by the grace of God, would never guess I went through all of that... that my family went through all of that with me.
[UPDATE: Consider Reading From Crippled to Crossfit. It is a post that I wrote as a response to a man whose wife has MS. His message includes, "I would love to be able to dance with my [my wife] again. My question is, "where do we begin?' ...Please help me help my wife.]
